facing your soul self

[baenheh]

Im posting this because I think its of value to share real life experiences.

From my own experience I have concluded that the most uncomfortable but also rewarding thing is facing one's soul self, alone with no friends, partner or family etc.
Sometimes it takes trauma or disaster/drama to begin to face oneself courageously and to come out dignified and stretched in some manner.

The most intense time I ever had of facing my own soul was when I chose to move away from destructive people and behaviour.
At the time I was a heroin addict in an abusive relationship. I never shot it just smoked it but that does not make it any different.
I decided to attempt to come off of this horrid addiction cold turkey and alone, with only panadol, lots of fluids and meditation (focused will).
I already knew what I was in for because I had tried numerous methods before to come off it, eg methadone.
My kundalini was activating at the time, and I knew what it was but nothing really about its effects on the system, especially under this circumstance.
So I had a deep knowing that it was ''time'' for a major transformation to take place, and to do it alone (face myself).

I stayed in my bedroom knowing all too well what I was about to go through physically (the sweats and cramps), and mentally (saying f--k this!) I knew I could weaken at any moment during the 9 day peak process, especially the first 4 days. This was the largest inner demon that I ever had to face unsupported, just me and the universe. And thankfully it was successful. :yes:

That was 4 years ago and one year ago I also gave up cigarettes.
The hardest part has been in deep kundalini cleansing and purifying of my system, after what I had put my body through years before. Also to overcome any remaining habit forming thought patterns.
Because I had been around abusive and destructive people and learnt a hell of a lot how people operate, I have occasional kundalini waves that stir up old feelings of inadequacy, guilt and hatred and despair.

I now know that whether you are a destructive or constructive person you still have to know your limits.
Facing our inner demons in a way that we dont say 'its too difficult' because in reality its only as difficult as we make it. I understand through my experience that its part of human nature to want faster and painless ways out of difficulties that we encounter. I also have learnt that I will always have an edge about me when under stress ( p.s sorry Okazaki, hee hee :p )

I would love to hear of others inspiriting alchemical transformations and I hope that my experience shared also encourages others stamina and endurance when facing their difficulties.

[Anibis]

Wow, that is a great story. I find myself drawn most to those whose darkness has been intense to the point where they made a choice to own it, and face it directly. It's a place where one finds unusual fortitude and even humility. I think the greatest thing is to find the place from which one can make responsible choice, and this has meant that I never shut off any options in terms of what I 'was allowed' to do. As a consequence, I have been and am continuous in intimate contact with my dark side, such that vigilance is perhaps the watch-word of my way of acting in the world. This sounds all abstract and romantic, but it is awful, and if you don't realize that, you probably havent really tasted it, as far as I can see. Let conscience be cultivated.

When I was in my early 20's and I first started serious reading the occult: Wilson, Crowley, Peter Carroll. I was working as a security guard. I happened to have a job at a building that was being built up by a Hi tech company. I was the first person in that building, and so I watched as over 5 or 6 months it was transformed into a factory building fibre-optics and such. Given so much time. I started reading, or rather memorizing large chunks of liber 777. Well, at first it was really fun: ooh boy, I was powerful, synchronicities were happening all over the place, I could do no wrong, la-di-da. THEN, as I started 'punching in the numbers', I became increasingly more immersed in associations, in phantoms, in wave after wave of emotional information that I wasn't prepared to handle. It's amazing to think that when it comes to numbers, we see how many every day? Tons right? Well, all of a sudden, it was this massive overload to my system. To make a long story short, I went totally schizo. the boundary between self and other dissolved, I wasn't eating, I was having terrible nightmares. I had become 'omnipotent' without control over my emotions (and thus my 'all powerfulness' began to wreak havok on mine, and other's lives). Anyways, the actual loss of control lasted for 5 months, and the hangover lasted for 7 years. I basically melted, and then learned gradually how to reform. Since then, my shadow has been a constant, goading, companion which I could not have become what I am now without. I suppose I could elaborate more and all, but I know that this is not especially unusual for people undergoing shamanic self-inititaion, so I won't wail about it, but holy shit Beanheh, it was as ugly as anything I could imagine. Brutal. Too much information all the time. Noise. The main decision I made that I think ended up serving me well is that though I was prescribed anti-ADD, & anti-Schozophrenia meds, I only took them for a short period of time. After that I chose Juggling as my medicine. I think it was a very wise choice. I have met people who had schizo-breakdown and ended up hooked to meds, and they are rather sadly disempowered. On the other hand, no WAY am I going to try and tell people to get off their meds and 'break free' or anything. I've seen that too, and it's sad. Generally, the touchstone for me, living with this fucking horror movie playing in my head 24-7 was to basically stop acting on what I thought the world was about, and start acting on what I observed people to do, think, etc... I became an empiricist in the true sense I think, being betrayed by my own mind, and so having to use a sort of intuitive 'science' (Psychology, i suppose). Well, not fun, but it did come together, and I am very grateful for the 'whippin'; It clued me into stuff. I had another one when I was 27-28, which was of a different nature (Saturn Return stuff), but that is another story...

I guess working with magick and qabalah, in the end became the solution too, to this problem, since it was a result of getting my operating system scrambled. My interest in fields and harmonies and crystals were in line with my need to re-stabilize a psychological space. These all serve to tease specific sounds out of the noise. This can be done at a high level of elegance, ballance, and sophistication. Lead into gold, gold into Love (it's lighter and you can swim with it!).

Props out to all the survivors, and those struggling to survive. Perserverance Furthers, as they say.

-Ibisis

[baenheh]

The psyche can absorb a tremendous amount of information overload. It can also harness incredibly potent forces that seem to thrive on chaos.
The shadow if not refined and integrated can cause shit to happen around you like a magnet. And this is especially true when you are working with kundalini because it also intensifies everything.
I have experienced psychic storms, where everyone around you totally loses it in arguments etc.
I think that with any kind of intense energy, it has to go somewhere.
when dealing with the mind and its fluctuations of intensity (for whatever reason the cause), there is always a safety mechanism in it, somewhere, if only it is graspable.

I have been lucky so far in that I dont seem to get stuck in intense experiences for long. I have had wierd shit happen, but it has always settled down after a while. Sometimes you can be conscious of getting caught up in something and dismiss it as unreal. but other times its valid but we have difficulty in digesting it.
I cant imagine what hell its like to live with so much mind noise like a radio that cant be turned off by will.

[m1thr0s]

Interesting stuff baenheh. You haven't really addressed the "how" too much and I'd like to hear a little more about that if you're up to it. Giving up habits like heroin and even tobacco is no small feat to be sure. I am very curious how you managed to shift your focus so dramatically. There must have been some sort of strategy going on I would think. Is it possible to say what that was and why you think it might have worked when it seems to fail for so many others?

m1thr0s

[baenheh]

I know that this might sound stupid to some, but I stopped thinking about the substance itself and the ' I should give cigarettes etc up'.
I just stopped buying heroin or cigarettes and that took away the inner argument of 'I should do this or that' and made me focus on the point of 'now'.
The need for the substance I had accepted as just a phantom craving of the body/mind.
So I focused my will and thoughts as if it never existed and that I had never even had it.
I just stopped thinking of it, period, and when it popped up, or when I was in cramps, I thought of scenes in my mind of health, and peace before I had it etc.
Beforehand I thought about how nice it will be to feel at peace with myself and not always being a slave to something. I thought about being in power of my life and not throwing that power to others.
So the most of my technique was erasing the whole thought processes around the substance or its cravings, and replacing it with something other.
I have noticed when you take away the object of your attention then eventually all thoughts of it also channel somewhere else as well. You need to already be aware of your mind processes and actions of impulse before you quit any false 'needy' objects of attention.
The key is understanding yourself authentically.

[MythMath]

To end my cig smoking habit,
I focused on not lighting them...

[m1thr0s]

Not "stupid" by half I think baenheh...it actually sounds very like the stage magical art of misdirection in many ways. Not exactly the same since you certainly know where it is leading, but rather choose to remain oblivious of these facts as though they were flatly irrelevant. Very curious because they say that the subconscious mind reviles hard against confrontation...it doesn't like rules and it sure as hell doesn't like punishment...so it's very difficult to change a deeply ingrained habit through any kind of direct (confrontational) measures. So what you are doing is brilliantly side-stepping all of that. You are not telling yourself "I can't have this" or "I can't do this"...You are just saying "I am not buying this" not going out of my way to attain it, just not spending any time or energy on it at all...It's as though we become more addicted to a pattern of acquisition than the substances themselves. Once you stop chasing after it, it soon begins to wane in importance...

I haven't quit smoking yet but I was steeped in a pretty heavy speed addiction for a number of years and that's pretty much what I did too. I can't even remember when I "quit" because I never actually did...I just stopped buying the shit or otherwise going out of my way for it. Soon enough the addiction was broken...and that was probably 8-10 years ago now. I haven't even given it a second thought in years. Tobacco though...that one's got me a little stumped. It helps that it's ridiculously expensive anymore. I honestly can't afford it anyway, so it may be on its way out too...

Very curious indeed...

edit: maybe I will try this with tobacco as well...I'm not really quitting or anything...when a cigarrette walks right up to me, jumps in my mouth, lights itself up and everything, I'll probably go ahead and smoke the damn thing. But otherwise, why the hell should I be living my life around acquiring the stuff? It's kind of pathetic really...

m1thr0s

[baenheh]

Cigarette addiction actually took longer to annihilate the thought associations with them because they are everywhere you look! And if you have friends who constantly spark up in front of you and offer you them, its a habit of just taking it without consciously acknowledging it.
If you were using hard drugs you seem to smoke a lot more too, well I did anyway.
The nicotine actually stays in the inner organs for months slowly detoxing from your system and thats why if you give up for a couple of months its also easy to start again.
It takes a lot more of a long term will training and conscious acknowledgement by observing when you are most likely to have them. Then again just stop buying them and remove any thoughts associated with them, they dont exist anymore, so direct your attention elsewhere.
I have noticed what you give your attention to seems to increase the associated thought patterning thus habits.
Also the mind can trigger emotions which will con you into believing the substance will make you 'feel' better. ITS BULLSHIT because its the fix of the toxic substance which makes the body feel better only temporarily and has nothing to do with emotions really.

There is a time for everything, your day will come when you just give up and not think about it, it will just happen by your focused will.

[fr.novumorganum]

a very inspirational thread; thanks for sharing. A good reminder that many of the things that seem powerful in our lives are really just illusions we have empowered ourselves.